What makes our relationships real?
I see it so many times, couples being together when in reality they are not really together at all. There is no love for each other in their eyes.
Then couple are complaining about their partners, there is not enough sex, not enough intimacy, he is never here, I do not trust her, she is always nagging, then to me this is not a real relationship.
Why are you gossiping about your loved one? Why are you not discussing it with them and sharing your gripes, rather than telling your mates or everyone on social media. These are the same stories I see in my clinical practice, time and time again.
After a social media post about relationships and the interest it brought, I decided to share more about this topic. In this blog I will share my tips as to what I believe works for a real relationship.
Know that we attract partners to us which have similar wounds, though we often play them out in opposite ways. This is what draws us together as partners, as it gives us the opportunity to heal these wounds.
In simple turns we attract people to push our buttons and bring up our baggage to the surface so we can heal it. If you keep having the same problem in your relationships it is because you are not doing the work, healing your wounds or cleaning up your vibration.
The reality is that when we finish with one partner and we run off to the next one, we will attract the same stuff. Same meat, different gravy as one of my sayings goes. I know this from personal experience because I attracted the same things and issues in my life until I chose to clear this unresolved emotional baggage, which is extremely easy to do by the way.
The reasons our partners upset us is because of our unresolved issues not theirs. They are just a triggers and what a beautiful gift this can be. When we clear these gifts we will find freedom and will attract a different mate.
Having said this, many of us believe that the opposite of love is hate. This is not quite true. The opposite of love is apathy or feeling nothing. If you are hating on your partner it is time to clear up your stuff.
If this is something you would like to understand more about this, then come and spend some time with me and I will explain in greater detail.
So here is what I believe is a foundation to a real relationship
- Trust – we must have trust on all levels. It has to be earnt and can easily be broken. If there is no trust then it is like building a house with unsound footings. It will all crumble down over time. Those little white lies that mean nothing, mean everything.
- Communication – is it imperative to have open communication. I have written previously about how to communicate and to review talk about what you think, feel and want. I have lived in relationships where I have to watch what I am saying or I have to pick the right time to encroach a topic. This is really devaluing yourself and putting others value over yours. We all need to be free to do, be or have whatever we want. If you have to ask permission to go out or buy something then someone else’s opinion is more important with what you desire. Over time this chips away at your self-morale.
Other traits that help to keep our relationship world real
- Know each other’s love language. I love it when my partner does things for me and he loves it when I touch him. Therefore when I know this, I can make the effort to pleas him and visa versa.
- Share your vulnerabilities and NEVER use that against the other person. They are confiding in their intimate selves and it is disrespectful to use that as ammunition against them.
- Be authentic and honest, as I mentioned before.
- Do not settle. If you are staying together for the sake of the children then that does not work. How can you teach your children to shine when you do not?
- Work out strategies to overcome hurdles when you guys are happy and communicating well.
- Say at least 3 positive, nice and kind things to each other every day. This is very powerful over time as you are focusing on their great points.
- Learn to hold your tongue when reactive and work out what is the real reason as to why you are upset about the washing, dishes etc. It will be an underlying core value or boundary that is being triggered. It is not about the washing.
- Making time for each other. As corny as date nights sound, it is imperative to make time to be together one on one. Doing an activity like dancing, bowling, walking, having a picnic is a great idea.
- Have boundaries, know what is acceptable and what is not. We sometimes need time out and that is okay. As I mentioned before if you are being triggered, then what is happening for you, though if a behaviour is unacceptable you have to draw a line in the sand and communicate no more.
- Follow your own dreams and passions because when you do you will not be upset by what the other person is doing.
In summation, trust, honesty, communication, respect, caring, understanding, self-exploration, intimacy and positive connections are all vital.
If you find you are having relationship difficulties, I am a qualified counsellor, plus many other healing modalities and I am happy to shed some light on any relationship issues that you may have. Every problem has a solution.
Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Distance sessions are easily available.
Until next time, I am seeing all of you in health, happiness and love