Children are our teachers, they are our shining light and our guiding grace.
The belief that I have is that we are all born beautiful, pure, innocent and healthy.
We are clear channels of laughter, happiness, joy, exploration and love.
Then life happens. We get moulded and changed by opinions of our families, of our teachers, our siblings, of the role models that surround us in our lives. We start to believe the limitations that we are told, we hear the word “No” again and again and we become limited in our choices and our beliefs.
Remember that these beliefs are of our parents and these beliefs came from their parents, and so on and so on. These is no right or wrong in this, as parents are all doing the best that we can for our children, though we are limited beings. We have not 100% stepped into our spiritual beingness. We are living in our humanness.
This blog is about helping kids to be happy and for them to rediscover their joy.
As a mother who gave birth to 3 children and who raised 5 children on and off, this is what I have learnt about being a functional loving parent. Before I start my list I will say, and I could well upset some people, though in all my years as a healer and teacher, most issues that children have, start from home. The transformational seminars that I run, explore these primary childhood patterns and after working on this level for over 20 years, I have seen again and again the healing that happens, from changing our beliefs and perceptions about how we were raised as children. This is able to give us such immense healing.
For our children, start to change the circumstances at home, children want safety, security, acknowledgement, validation and love, as we all do.
So here we go with some of my strategies for kids
- Know that you are the adult, it is not about having discussions and asking them to set the boundaries and guidelines, as an adult this is your job. This is the way it is, this is our house and these are the rules. Rules do not have to be rules, they can be guidelines. You are the adult, act like one.
- As parents come together first before presenting to the kids. You have to be a united front. Any gaps and the kids will hone in on it and make the gap bigger. Kids see the weakest link and they always gravitate to the safer parent.
- Know that children like firm and loving boundaries. It helps them to feel safe and secure. Speak in a kind, soft, loving and yet firm tone.
- Know that if they do not let it out they will act it out
- Know that it is ok for kids to express themselves, if they want to yell and scream, be ok with it and know it is a healthy expression. Stop shoving the dummy in their mouths (in fact throw the bloody dummy out) and yell and scream with them. It might make you feel better.
- When I have had the 5 kids and they used to fight, I would get them on the punching bag and get them to punch the person by drawing their face on the bag of the child that was upsetting them. Worked a treat, they would stop fighting get it out of their system and they would all play happily together for days.
- Do not disempower your kids. When we say ‘No” we take their power away. They have every right to stay in their power, even if we are not. Give them options. Say to them, if you continue to make noise then you will have to go outside, if you want to stay inside then you will have to be quiet. What would you like to choose? Give them choice.
- Create family values. We would have regular meeting and discuss our values. Some examples of our values are respect others opinions, respect others space, violence is not tolerated, know you have consequences to each of your actions.
- Allow all family members to call a meeting and listen to what they have to say. We all want to be validated and children must be too, even if you are 4 years old.
- Children want 100% presence, fobbing them off with the iPad, phone or games is not being a responsible adult and being present for the child 1 week of the year when you are on holiday is not acceptable. Kids and us as adulats, want consistent periods of presence and it can easily be 10 mins each day. Consistency is the key.
- If kids have nightmares, sit down with them, or even better lay down on the floor and draw together. Get them, to draw their dream, you keep drawing as well and keep saying, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more until there is no more to tell.
- Give the kids chores and responsibilities. We are all part of the team, so encourage team. The responsibilities can change as they get older. They also have consequences if they do not do their chore by the allocated time and get them to choose the consequence and then the family can agree on it. To be honest they often chose a harsher consequent they we might.
- Ask the kids at a family meeting what is it that they want? They mostly want quality family time, so create this. Days out, activities, picnics. Sometimes they resist, though they soon surrender to family quality time.
- Love them, hug them and tell them that you love and accept them just the way they are.
- Do not discuss ‘adult’ issues with them. These are your responsibility, let them be kids. Money, arguments and sex is a definite No.
- Have technology free days, we have 2 days a week, and more if they are not playing team.
- If they feel sad, mad or bad, tell them it is OK. Tell them a story when you felt the same and what it was that you did to change that. Ask them to visualise where that is in their body and what colour it is, what does it look like, shape, temperature and what can we do to take it away.
- Most importantly listen to them, no matter how ridiculous it might seem, validate them, give them space to talk and share, do not ridicule or judge them. Learn to be all accepting and open to hearing what they have to say. Appreciate them just as they are.
I am sure there are plenty more tips, though these will help you get started.
If you want any help and support in resolving some of your childhood or even adult anxiety, check out my transformational seminars at www.vitaeamorseminars.com.au.
Seeing you all in happiness and health, Louise